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Mar 14

“I Am Waiting” by Suzane Avadiar

Have you ever waited??

For someone . . . for something . . . for the next step . . . for healing . . .for breakthroughs and miracles . . for life to happen? I think at least once in our life, we all experience a season of waiting; I know I have.

At times, my season of waiting reminded me of the winters in Minnesota – perpetual and in sub-zero temperatures! Still, I was constantly finding pockets of warm relief and burning hope in Jesus and it kept me going.

Until not too long ago when I hit a frozen wall and felt the chill right down to my bones…

I still don’t quite know what happened but suddenly I felt encumbered by the weight of waiting. I felt snowed in and all at once, my season of waiting simply became too excruciating.

And the disquiet began; the 3am restlessness in bed that allowed panic and anxiety to arrest me, as I grappled with the unknown.

The fear that would only subside when sadness stopped by to lull me back to sleep.

The constant need to put on my “game face” so I wouldn’t inconveniently break down in random places or worse still, let people see my fragile interior.

Because that was my true state – I was fragile. I was struggling. Plain and simple. I believed God had forgotten me and His Word that promised me that “He will never leave me nor forsake me” threatened to become a mere theory.

My head grasped His Words but my heart resisted it – because my reality did not reflect it.

I began to allow my fear of the unknown and the uncertainty, which accompanies a season of waiting, to push God’s Word back into that tomb.

Only He could resurrect it again in my heart.

Then one day during my draught, when the usual silence deafened my ear, I heard something that felt like a punch in my gut. I had just come home and as I turned the key into my door, I heard:

“If I do not give you anything else, will you still love me? Or will you fall out of love with me?”

I knew it was God because I heard those words in first person and the writer in me knew enough to know that they weren’t my words or my thoughts.

I collapsed to the floor and broke down in wailing tears! All I could think of at that moment was that I broke my Father’s Heart!

And I said, without flinching or thinking and with all the conviction I could muster, “I don’t want anything else Lord. Just you. You are enough. I’m sorry.”

And finally, for the first time, I fully understood what it meant to say that Christ is enough. I got it and more importantly, my heart got it!

Not a whole lot has changed since that day. That season is not yet over. I am still waiting, but I’ve come to realize that SO IS HE!

Not unlike the time when He waited for Noah to complete the ark. While Noah took what must have felt like an eternity to build the ark, probably under scrutiny and scornful gazes, God had patiently waited.

He could have snapped a finger and built the ark in an instant to accomplish what He needed to do on earth. After all, He was eager enough to start, afresh but He didn’t.

God waited.

He waited for Noah to build the ark in his own time because He needed to accomplish something in Noah, too.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

Centuries later, my Abba is still waiting. The great I AM is waiting – this time for me.

Waiting for me to take my eyes off what I don’t yet have and set my gaze back on what I do have – Jesus.

Waiting for me to let Him do what He needs to do in me during this season of waiting, so I will be ready for where He is leading me.

He is waiting for my transformation to be made complete and for me to wholly step into all that He has called me to be.

Just knowing that He too is waiting for me, makes me eagerly say, “Take this too Abba. Take my waiting.”

Because the truth is, the winter of waiting is a burden that’s too heavy to bear alone and giving it to Jesus so I can be still, and rest in Him makes the walk lighter and the wait warmer.

Have you been waiting? What does your season of waiting feel like?

 

Suzane Avadiar is a freelance writer, cat-lover and avid traveler. Over the last 16 years, she has written extensively for various publications and companies in the global marketplace. Writing is not only her full-time job but also her passion and instrument of worship. She now writes solely about her faith and has a deep desire to reveal the heart of God through her writings. Suzane writes daily devotions on social media for her church, C3 Subang and is currently completing her first book, Sent to Journey – a Devotional for Travelers. She blogs at www.senttojourney.wordpress.com and resides in Malaysia.

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